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first period's almost over. I got a deck managing position for the summer (YAY!).... and i'm tired as all fuck. there's the bell. z8s
June 12th, 2006
soreJune 5th, 2006
hey whoever you are. been a while. as in, a long while. watev. oooookay. been havin a few problems with ma boyfirend. see, he's never had a relationship b4, and that includes both physical and emotional ones. well... i kinda introduced him to blow jobs. and now he asks for them all the time. it's gettin really annoyin. I mean, yeah, sure, every once in awhile I do enjoy it, but that shit is HARD WORK! I mean, come on! Do guys think being down on your knees, or trying not to crush his balls with your elbows for anywhere from 20 minutes to over an hour at a time is always as much fun for us as it is for them?!? I mean, for half the girls I've talked to, they've never even really enjoyed it. Well, it's not really the activity itself that I enjoy either - it's a) giving the guy I really fucking care about pleasure, and b) it feels good to know that with a few flicks of your tongue you can make even the macho-est of men groan helplessly. I mean, it's not often women actually experience the power they supposedly have over men.
So, I kinda talked to one of his friends cuz, well... hmmm.... let's think up names for everyone....
me: Kyrana Runeswood
my b/f: Axis Redeye
frnd aforementioned: Nathaniel Bloodsword
okay. there. we all have totally anonymous names. k, well... I don't usually have the guts/heart/desire to tell Axis when he's wrong about what does and doesn't "turn me on" so to speak, or when he blows some positive feedback waaaay out of proportion. But... he's been hell of pissy lately. He's been picking fights, and since he's manipulative by nature, making it seem like I'm starting them. I think he kinda knows he's doing this because he gradually gets more and more upset if I call him on it - another classic male trait - the "I am perfect despite these obvious flaws which I refuse to acknowledge" syndrome. Typical.
anyway. I've got another friend - ex actually, up in ..... well... y not? up in Sacramento, who says he has a place for me to live the instant I give him the say so, and he's bein really sweet and... well, I've known him for two years, seen him maybe four times (a week, a day, a week, four hours) in those two years. I fell in love with him the day I met him, and have never totally gotten over him despite the distance factor... maybe because of that actually, i dunno. and... well... my mom totally misreads me. she thinks I'm always bullying and manipulating her - I don't even know how the fuck TO do that, let alone how to DO it! I just... I'm sick of fighting EVERYONE. There is no one I never feel like I'm fighting here anymore. ...
I want to just cry, you know? but I can't. I taught myself not to. So instead, honestly, I'd just settle for having someone on my side,... ya know? someone to never get (at very least act) tired of sitting you down, and telling you that, while it doesn't necessarily mean everyone else is a bitch, there is nothing wrong with you.
I want someone to love me, someone who can tell me why, so that maybe, just maybe, someday I can see what they see, someday I can love myself.
-K
So, I kinda talked to one of his friends cuz, well... hmmm.... let's think up names for everyone....
me: Kyrana Runeswood
my b/f: Axis Redeye
frnd aforementioned: Nathaniel Bloodsword
okay. there. we all have totally anonymous names. k, well... I don't usually have the guts/heart/desire to tell Axis when he's wrong about what does and doesn't "turn me on" so to speak, or when he blows some positive feedback waaaay out of proportion. But... he's been hell of pissy lately. He's been picking fights, and since he's manipulative by nature, making it seem like I'm starting them. I think he kinda knows he's doing this because he gradually gets more and more upset if I call him on it - another classic male trait - the "I am perfect despite these obvious flaws which I refuse to acknowledge" syndrome. Typical.
anyway. I've got another friend - ex actually, up in ..... well... y not? up in Sacramento, who says he has a place for me to live the instant I give him the say so, and he's bein really sweet and... well, I've known him for two years, seen him maybe four times (a week, a day, a week, four hours) in those two years. I fell in love with him the day I met him, and have never totally gotten over him despite the distance factor... maybe because of that actually, i dunno. and... well... my mom totally misreads me. she thinks I'm always bullying and manipulating her - I don't even know how the fuck TO do that, let alone how to DO it! I just... I'm sick of fighting EVERYONE. There is no one I never feel like I'm fighting here anymore. ...
I want to just cry, you know? but I can't. I taught myself not to. So instead, honestly, I'd just settle for having someone on my side,... ya know? someone to never get (at very least act) tired of sitting you down, and telling you that, while it doesn't necessarily mean everyone else is a bitch, there is nothing wrong with you.
I want someone to love me, someone who can tell me why, so that maybe, just maybe, someday I can see what they see, someday I can love myself.
-K
tired of fightingMay 9th, 2006
hello! this is my first lj entry (under this account anyway). shit hasn't been going too well lately - I mean, it's going okay, just not well. For one, my mother seems to think that I can run a backstage while I am performing onstage... I don't really get how that works.... And also, b/f recently said we don't do very many "friend" things... well, maybe we don't, but we don't not do them that often either. I do shit with him as often as I can, I really can't help it if we both happen to not feel like doing "friend" things when we see each other. Plus, I mean, he makes it seem like we never do "friend" things in his memory... I remember doing - that's the bell, laters all.
confused